Kerem would start the
day by watching the sunrise in the morning freeze. He would take a walk, take a
shower and dress cleanly. He had
graduated from a prestigious university and was now working for a well known
company. The neatness of his life was evident even in his shirt cuffs. He was working in Ankara, visiting his family
in Konya periodically.
Kerem was the pride of
the family, but it was not possible to hear about his career and salary from
him. He had a very calm personality, spoke little but expressed himself very
articulately. He never tried to exist with the name of the school he attended,
the work he did, the places he visited, or his surname... He would cover up
things to praise, his serenity would give you peace of mind. His family looked
forward to his visits to Konya. When he went, he would meet his friends. At one
of these meetings he met Eda. Eda was impressed by Kerem's relaxed, innocent
and heavy demeanor. Kerem also liked Eda. Eda was a smiling, very sociable
girl. Kerem started to come to Konya frequently. After a year of getting to
know each other, they got married.
Kerem asked for a
transfer and was assigned to Konya. He had given up his career in Ankara
because he wanted to be in his hometown. Kerem's mother was very fond of her
son. If she didn't see him for two days, she would resent both her son and
daughter-in-law. Kerem couldn't say “We can't come” because it would be
a shame, my mother would be upset and offended. Eda wanted to see her
mother-in-law, but the excessive amount was damaging their relationship. They
could not be a small family. Her mother-in-law was at the center of their every
decision, every action. Eda said, “Enough is enough, can't we have a life? I
can't make any plans, are we going to live like this forever? Your mother is at
the center of our lives, that's why we can't make plans as a family.” Kerem
agreed with Eda but he couldn't find the balance. He thought that if there were
boundaries, it would upset his mother. He immediately closed the subject about
his mother, bought gifts and made surprises for Eda to make her happy. However,
Eda's complaints were increasing day by day. As if she knew where to hurt him,
she kept her complaints on the agenda. Kerem's saying “You're right, but
please try to manage it” was not a solution either, she would say “Of
course I'm right, who would suffer!”. Eda's father, who had similar
characteristics, was never on the agenda. Kerem felt upset about this situation
but he didn't want to argue about it. When he brought it up, Eda would yell and
scream and close the subject.
Eda was forgetting
Kerem's gestures and remembering only his mistakes. It was as if Kerem only had
flaws. What she could remember were always chaotic events. Eda's mother had
even warned her daughter once. “He is handsome, generous, loyal to his home,
he has no bad habits, he is a little fond of his mother, don't be ungrateful.
Look, a calamity will happen to you, you are being cruel, my child.” Eda
thought that she did not understand her and sulked with her mother for a month.
No one could speak to Eda. Kerem was very tired, the more he lost strength, the
more he did. No matter what he did, he could neither make his mother nor his
wife happy. His mother was saying, “You've become ungrateful!” Eda, on
the other hand, would bring her mother's mistakes in front of him. “Your
relatives are giving me a hard time, you don't care about me...”
The Experiential Design
Doctrine says, “Our choices determine how people treat us.”
One day Kerem explained
his situation to his friend Enes. Enes was a solution-oriented, method-oriented
person and listened to Kerem carefully. “My friend, mothers are the crown of
our heads. But you have a core family now. If you can maintain a balance, you
will all be happy. People are unhappy in relationships without definite
boundaries. You should think about 'How can I establish a balance in the
relationship, how can I protect our boundaries? Of course you know better what
you need to do. With the right moves and patience, I hope your relationship
will come to balance.”
Kerem had been thinking
a lot about what his friend told him. First he would learn to set boundaries to establish a balance. He would direct his life
with brand new decisions. He thought about what he had done because he could
not strengthen himself. He became aware of the reason for his actions. He no
longer wanted to do something because he could not strengthen himself. Since he
started asking the right questions to life, he was getting closer to the right
answers. He was slowly learning the right boundaries.
===
Experiential Design Teaching is the knowledge of
reality that enables people to design their future through past experiences. It
offers individuals strategies they need in order to solve their problems and
achieve their goals.
"Who is Who", "Relationship
Mastery", "Psychology of Success" programs provide individuals
the methods to being happy and successful.
===
"Out of
billions of people, what importance can "one" person have?
To know the
answer ask that "one" person!"
Yahya Hamurcu
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