Semra was an
easygoing person who genuinely cared about others. She believed that love held
the key to every problem. Although she often said that being loved wasn’t
essential, deep down it was what mattered most to her. Not feeling loved made
her sad—even if she wasn’t always fully aware of it.
Since she was a
kid, what people said about her really mattered. Whenever she had a happy
moment, she would immediately share it with her friends. Likewise, when
something sad happened or she had success or failure, she shared it right away.
Lately, things
hadn’t been going well in her life. She was doing her master’s degree at
university. However, her relationship with her professor, İkbal, hadn’t exactly
been smooth. No matter how much she tried to make herself liked, she wasn’t
successful. One day she confided in her friend Feyza.
- “Professor
İkbal doesn’t like me no matter what I do. Until now, I always got along well
with my professors and built love-based relationships. But Professor Ikbal does
not care about me at all. This really upsets me. Deep down, I think she doesn’t
like me. She’s so cold and distant. Her manners scream ‘stay away, don’t bother
me.’ She hardly talks outside of class. When she does she bluntly points out my
mistakes. When I do something right, she just says ‘That’s enough’ and moves
on. She doesn't seem to care about my feelings. She’s so knowledgeable, I learn
a lot from her. But this wall between us really makes me sad. I think she
doesn’t like me at all.”
- “Oh Semra, I
wasn’t going to laugh, but maybe that’s just her nature. Everyone shows love
differently. And anyway, what does it matter if Professor İkbal likes you or
not? Just attend her class, get what you can from her, and don’t worry about
other stuff.”
- “How can I not
worry? I really can’t understand you, you seem so indifferent. You are just
like Professor İkbal. Does she really not love herself and others? Is that why
she’s like that? Maybe no one ever loved her, maybe that’s why… I even thought
that. Poor thing, it must feel like her life is wasted... Can one live without
love?”
- “You’re reading
too much into it. I don’t care if a professor likes me or not. Besides, even if
she liked me, would I necessarily like her? It’s not that important to me. If
you ask me, you shouldn’t worry that much either.”
- “So, what
matters to you? What do you focus on?”
- “No one has to
love me, but respect is very important for me. I can call it my red line. The
other person must respect me, and I must respect them. It hurts me when people
don’t respect my lifestyle. I like thoughtful, self-improving, benefit-focused
people. Otherwise, it doesn’t feel sincere to me. In fact, people who keep
their distance feel closer to me. Someone who is realistic, has clear boundaries,
and smiles — that’s perfect. Imagine a friend who is very warm, fun, but has no
boundaries and doesn’t understand your needs. What use is that love to me? It’s
no benefit at all. In the short or long term, it will harm me. If I respect
myself, I’ll keep my distance from that person. I don’t expect everyone to have
the same thoughts as me… If we understand that, we can be happier.”
- “Hmm! You're
looking at it from a different angle; I had never thought like that before.
That seemed like a cold approach to me. I thought I’d be lonely if I think like
that. I used to think people who don’t love or aren’t loved are boring and
unhappy.”
- “I’m not saying
I don’t love people... I do but not easily.
Respect matters more to me. We can’t love everyone, but we can respect
everyone. Loving selectively, over time and in detail, feels more sincere.”
Everyone values
different things in life.
For some, love is
most important; for others, respect comes first.
In fact, both are
essential in relationships in the right amount and balance.
How
does noticing these differences help us?
Humans are social
beings who must communicate and connect throughout life. Therefore, it is
essential to know oneself and others well. So we can figure out what we require
and who’s capable of providing it for a better quality of life.
The
Experiential Design Teaching says: “We’re enriched byour differences.
Just like someone
wanting to cook green beans goes to the market and buys the ingredients — fresh
beans, onions — based on their needs, or a textile manufacturer considers which
supplier to buy fabric from, knowing what will come out of the material.
In the same way,
understanding ourselves and others allows us to assign roles wisely and manage
expectations realistically.
Wishing to be
among those who know themselves and others to build healthy relationships…
Thus, missing pieces will gradually find their place…
Experiential Design Teaching is a knowledge community that produces strategies for designing our future based on past experiences.
The "Who is Who", "Mastery in Relationships" and "Success Psychology" Seminar Programs offer the needed methods for those who want to be happy and successful in life by solving their problems and achieving their goals.
"There is only one thing in life that never can be discovered; The better one..."
Yahya Hamurcu
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